Tips To Look Like A Beginner On Your Mountain Bike

21 Tips To Look Like A Beginner On Your Mountain Bike

Your ass looks like it’s auditioning for a porn movie.

Clint Eastwood looked good riding a horse. So did John Wayne. All that bouncing up and down over the great plains of America was pretty cool. It doesn’t look so good on a mountain bike though. If your ass feels like it just doesn’t want to quit when you’re riding, then the chances are you’re Cadence level is too high. Switch up a gear or so there. Your legs shouldn’t be spinning round like you’re in a comedy sitcom. You’re looking for your feet to go around anywhere between 75-100 times a minute, generally speaking.

You lie about how you broke your bike to the shop guy.

So, yeah, no bike is indestructible, and accidents will happen. Just don’t lie about it. That’s something beginners do. Besides, experienced bike mechanics have seen it all a hundred times before in any case. Tell them the truth. Your bike mechanic will know if the damage you did to your bike is different from the story you just told them.

Upload average footage of your die to YouTube. Just stop it. Like, learn how to use the edit function. Or at least show some common sense when it comes to titling your video. For instance, don’t use the heading ‘Mountain Bike Fails, LOLZ,’ if your video is essentially a ten minute amble along a flat country trail where nothing interesting happens at all expect you get overtaken by people walking their dogs. Even better, if at some point someone does fall of their bike and that’s what you want to highlight, here’s a great tip, just post the 10 second shot where the person falls off their bike…Save yourself from all the ‘Wtf is this sh*t,’ comments you will otherwise receive. I’m only thinking of you.

You have no idea about any terminology when it comes to mountain biking, or cycling in general.

Like when I mentioned Cadence above. Get to know some basics about what people talk about when they talk about mountain biking. In many ways it’s bit like being able to talk about sports. If you can throw in a few key phrases about the off side rule, or terms like ‘offensive line backer,’ you can bluff your way through any boring sports related question.

The same can be done with mountain biking. Throw round buzz words like ‘Strava,’ ‘Clipless shoes,’ ‘Gator skins,’ and ‘I actually preferred 26” but 29” isn’t so bad.’ You do this you will pass muster in most mountain bike circles. This advice stems from the fact that I firmly believe no one else really knows what they’re talking about either. It’s like a conspiracy, I swear.

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